By Yvonne Liu-Constant
In August, 2024, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy issued Parents Under Pressure: The U.S. Surgeon General Advisory on the Mental Health and Well-Being of Parents declaring that parenting stress has escalated to a crisis level. Parents have always worried about their children’s health and safety as well as their family’s financial stability, so what makes their stress particularly high today? There are new challenges, such as managing technology and social media, a youth mental health epidemic, as well as heightened expectations to invest more time and money to ensure their children thrive in a competitive society. However, the core of the issue, as stated in The New York Times, may lie in
“the American belief that parenting is an individual task, not a societal one.”
The saying, “It takes a village to raise a child” stands in contrast to parenting as an individual pursuit. Although this saying, made famous in the US by Hillary Clinton’s book, is an indirect translation and combination of proverbs from several African languages, it nonetheless captures the shared value of raising children as a community. In a focus group discussion with students from different African countries at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, “it takes a village” came up frequently. They explained that child-rearing as a collective pursuit is rooted in a treasured cultural value: we are interconnected and interdependent with each other, the community, and the world. This sense of “I am because we are” is shared by various communities, known as Ubuntu in South Africa, Paluku in Liberia, Opiatoha in the Idoma language in Nigeria, among other languages.
The saying also comes from the cultural context of “the village.” It reflects and acknowledges close-knit communities where extended families live in the same compound, and grown children build houses near their parents. In the village—at least in the ideal—all adults take responsibility for all children in order to ensure they grow up to be good people. In Yoruba, there is the proverb, “A good name is better than riches.” Good names are attached to heritage, reputation, and value; adults work hard to teach children who are omo luabi—children with good character who represent the family well.
Another frequently mentioned proverb (loosely translated) was, “Help me discipline my child.” Discipline can range from verbal reprimanding to physical punishment. While it may appear harsh, it comes from a place of concern and care. A student explained:
“The concept is a community-based concept in Nigeria. We believe that when I see your child outside, not from my family, going astray, it is my responsibility to tell that child: ‘What you are doing is very wrong’… When a child is misbehaving, we want you to correct that child. Your child is my child.”
While parents in the US often long for a village to help raise their children, the idea of neighbors disciplining their children is virtually unimaginable. One could attribute this to cultural differences—we don’t live in close-knit villages, consisting of extended families with shared values protecting the family reputation. However, there is a village that many of us do trust to help raise our children—the school. Saying that we “trust” schools might be an oversimplification, given the tensions present in various areas—for example, discipline affected by systemic racism. Although we can broadly agree on the importance of teaching children right from wrong, defining what constitutes a “good child” and who gets to decide that for our child raises complex questions.
What is a “good” child? How do different communities foster children’s developing sense of I, we, and they, so they grow up to be adults who uphold shared cultural values? Who are the people in our village, or the “we,” whom we trust to raise our children, and the “they,” whom we do not trust? These are some of the issues we are exploring at the Good Starts project.
One might argue that individualistic cultures lack a true sense of “village” where values are aligned, especially in today's sharply divided atmosphere in the U.S., where many school-related issues, from book selections to curriculum choices, have become highly politicized. Yet parents do try to create their own village when they can: they choose schools with a shared educational philosophy; connect with like-minded families through their children’s friends or playgroups; and may even relocate to be near grandparents or in neighborhoods where they feel a sense of belonging. We all need a village, whether it is the one we grew up in or one that we create—or recreate—for our children. Both individualistic and collectivistic cultures require a sense of “we”—a collective to support child-rearing. While boundaries may vary—such as preferences about who should discipline children or how schools handle misbehavior, we all rely on people outside our families to help care for our children.
What might a community with aligned values look like? What happens when parents, teachers, school leaders, and the government all agree about the crucial role that schools play in raising children? In China, the One Child policy (in place 1979-2015) created a shared national concern about the “Little Emperor Syndrome”: according to this characterization, the single child in each family is likely to grow up pampered by two parents and four grandparents, lacking opportunities to interact with siblings. Preschool was seen as the best—if not the only—place to socialize children and teach them how to be “good”—to share with peers, be independent and not rely on adults for all tasks, and respect others.
Jing Xu, professor of anthropology at the University of Washington, conducted an in-depth study at an early childhood center in Shanghai in 2011-2012. She detailed the findings in her book, The Good Child. Xu found that families and educators wanted children to learn to be good at school. But they encountered conflicting values between traditional Confucian ethics and the competitiveness in modern society. This tension led many persons—particularly parents employed in modern industries—to worry about children who are “too good,” or perhaps “too nice,” to thrive in the world. Teachers tended to disapprove of students who are “fake good”—doing the right thing solely for rewards, and preferred those who acted kindly in a genuine nature and authentically. These educators often associated students’ behaviors with their parents, concluding that insincere parenting produced insincere children. Meanwhile, adults themselves often engaged in disingenuous behaviors to gain advantages, such as parents giving teachers expensive gifts to secure prominent roles for their children in performances, thereby perpetuating the competitive culture and revealing the harsh realities of success in Shanghai. Even with a clear, shared goal of childrearing in a country supported by educational policy, how to raise good children collectively is complex when examined more closely.
It takes a village to raise a good child. As religious service attendance declines among many faith groups in the U.S., schools are one of the few remaining places with the potential to serve as a “village,” where educators and families form a community to teach and care for children. At the Good Starts project, we are launching a pilot study focused on schools with community building as their founding mission. What do various members of this village—children, families, teachers, and school leaders—think school is for? What do they consider to be a “good” child? How do they create a sense of community with diverse and sometimes conflicting family and school values? How do children develop their sense of “I,” “we,” and “they” within this village, and grow up to be “good”?
As we research these questions at Good Starts, we would love to hear from you: Who are the people in your village? What does being a good child mean to you?
The Good Starts Project is generously funded by the Saul Zaentz Charitable Foundation.
I’d like to thank Vika Dotsenko, Wendy Fischman, Shinri Furuzawa, Howard Gardner, and Mara Krechevsky for their valuable comments on an earlier draft.